Between Lovers and Friends
by Orlandoinabedsheet
Summary: One of the boys muses in 1976. Focus on James Sirius dynamic and is slash but the homosexual relationship is Sirius/Remus not James/Sirius
1. Default Chapter

Not sure if this'll make sense... It started as I was trying to explain a relationship to myself in order to explain it to another and the opening phrase struck me... 

Title: Between Lovers and Friends 

Author: CC 

Rating: PG 

Pairing: Read it and you'll see. All I'll say is the year is 1976 

Spoilers: None 

Disclaimer: Not mine, if they were mine I wouldn't even imply the things that "happen" in book 5

There's this place between lovers and friends where you know that you are in love with them, but that it will just never be that way between you. So you smile, and say the words, and hold each other tight. And you fight down the soft tug of jealousy because as much as it isn't fair and as much as you hate it, it happens anyway. But finally you see that for them it's the right path, in much the same way that you both always knew that while you walked together in daylight you'd pass your nights apart, because you just couldn't feel that way for each other. And so you give his lover a hug, and hand back your friendship, even though they never knew they'd lost it, and you wish them the best together. Because while you're not his lover you're not just his friend either and you know where his moon rises and sets, and it's not in your eyes. And yet as you're turning away, focusing on those pretty green eyes again, he calls your name. You turn and he murmurs "Thanks mate, for everything."   
And you smile softly, "Don't mention it Sirius, it was all because I love you after all."  
"Love you too James, you're the brother I always needed," He calls back and you smile, and never correct the mistake...


	2. How and Why

James woke in a surprisingly good mood considering the day he'd had before. He yawned loudly and wondered if the lovely Ms. Evans would be at breakfast yet. But when his feet hit the floor and were assaulted by the still omnipresent glitter he frowned. This had been his fault. Partly. The silly little Ravenclaw had thrown the glitter charm at _him_ but it wasn't the glitter that bothered him really. No, not at all. It was that when the charm hit Remus and Sirius Remus had started chuckling and Sirius had joined him and then they ever so slowly came together indulging in a very public snog. It wasn't that James hadn't known of their relationship for years, he'd been present went they shared their first kiss, a dare from Peter who had been completely oblivious to the fact that he'd revealed to each of them the other's feelings. 

And yet somehow he'd thought that is wasn't all that real if they could hide it the way they did. In the end Sirius would come back to him. They still wouldn't be lovers, that just wasn't what their relationship was, but there wouldn't be someone between them anymore either. And yes it felt bad to think of Remus as someone in the way. But it felt worse to hear Sirius call Remus' name in the night and know precisely what was happening. 

Yesterday when they'd gone public with their relationship he'd felt something snap and heal in him. Last night he'd given Remus a hug and vowed never to resent him again. He'd renounced claims only he himself knew he'd made on Sirius and crawled into bed to a wonderful dream about pretty green eyes. Indeed now as he watches them untangling themselves from the bed they've long regarded as theirs though James still thought of it as Sirius' he finds himself more at ease with it. 

Three years pass before James finds himself jealous of Remus again. He'd been home from work a mere ten minutes when Sirius came bounding into his flat like he owned the place. He'd dropped down beside James grinning widely. "He's finally agreed mate!" Sirius announces happily. 

"He's agreed to what?" James asks curiously.

"To make an honest man of me," Sirius says it as if it's the most obvious thing in the world. 

"You're not making any sense," James complains. 

"We're getting married you nitwit," Sirius explains with a chuckle. The incredulous look on James' face prompts him to clarify. "Well not 'married' married, there still isn't a single bloody place where it's legally recognized. But we're going to have the ceremony. You know, swap rings, cast the binding spell. Come on Jamie, react!"

"Wow..." James manages dumbstruck. 

"Don't seem so shocked, you've known for years I wanted to do this," Sirius tells him still grinning like an idiot. 

Indeed he had, but he also thought Remus, always sensible, would continue to refuse. But then he himself had often fallen under Sirius' charms, he should have known better. "I'm just shocked to hear you wanting to grow up," He jibes to hide the fact that a jealous hurt is coursing through his veins. 

"Oh bite me Bambi," Sirius tosses back good naturedly.

"No thanks, I don't fancy explaining a set of werewolf claw marks to Lils," James tries lightly. 

"So the lovely lady is still about then?" Sirius asks interestedly. 

"Yes, and thanks to you I'll be hearing nothing but 'see your friends are doing it, you are not too young to get married!' for months," James complains sourly.

"Well I am sorry that you're a right immature git, but I had nothing to do with it," Sirius continues to grin. 

"And why is it that you're hear, babbling at me, instead of at home celebrating?" James asks with a yawn. 

"Well he agreed at breakfast and I get out of work earlier than he does and thought as my best mate you might like to know that I'm getting hitched," Sirius said calmly. 

"Well go home and do that romantic thing he's always talking about, I've got a date to get ready for," James says pushing Sirius toward the door. 

"Alright Jamie, whatever you say," Sirius leaves slowly.

James slumps against the door and resolves to call Lily in a few minutes. 

The next morning James wakes with Lily in his bed and a smile on his lips. He's going to move on. He's happy. Things are simpler with Lily anyway. 

When the wedding day arrives two months later James intentionally arrives late to avoid all the preparations. He's surprised by the number of people assembled. His own parents, Remus' parents, Dumbledore, McGonagall, Peter and his girlfriend Terry. Lily, Sirius' cousin Nymphadora, Anna and Josaline: two of Remus' cousins, a pair of Sirius' coworkers James doesn't know, and Emile: one of the other researchers from the foundation that employs Remus. Remus' uncle Julius, Marlene McKinnon and the brothers Prewett. Giddeon looks as if he'd prefer a room full of death eaters to this. Just as he starts to head toward Lily Nymphadora approaches him. "There you are! My fool cousin thought you might not show up you're so late," She says exasperatedly. "Your mum talked him into a haircut for the occasion and he's whining about looking awful."

"I'll deal with it. Where is he?" James asks calmly.

"Second door on the left," She tells him, smiling at last.

"Thanks Nymphadora," James says turning away.

"Damnit James, my name is Tonks!" She calls after him irritably.

James finds Sirius impeccably dressed and frowning before a mirror. His hair barely falls past his ears. In fifteen years of friendship James has never seen it this short. "He's not going to _touch_ me until it grows back," Sirius complains miserably.

"Sirius, you and I both know that the entry 'Not shag Sirius Black' never has nor ever will grace Remus' to do list. Besides unless you boys are doing something very wrong attention is better spent... else where," James counters grinning. 

"You're a life saver Jamie," Sirius says pulling him into a hug. 

"That's what I'm here for," James says returning the hug. 

James gets through the rest of it alright. He listens to Peter laugh at the proceedings. Watches both Remus' parents and his own look on happily. He tries not to cringe at Lily's not so subtle hints that he's not too young to say forever. For the most part he himself is quiet and reserved, but he is happy for them despite himself. 

Six months later he stands before a mirror trying to tie his tie when Sirius enters the room. "Red's right, you should have taken muggle studies. Come here," Sirius commands softly. James obeys. Sirius knots the tie correctly his ring brushing James' neck in the process. Jealousy the strength of which James hasn't known for three years shoots through him at that simple touch and he tries not to shiver with the emotion. He collapses in the chair in the corner of the room. Just as he's getting lost in thought Sirius' voice breaks in, "Nervous?"

"A bit," James admits looking at his friend again. Looking at him he knows the problem, his one regret between them. He had always wondered, and does even know what it would have been like to kiss Sirius just one. One real honest kiss before they set boundaries of "this far, no farther" between them. It's far too late now. Sirius is a married man and he soon will be, but that doesn't lessen the wondering voice in his head any. 

"Knut for your thoughts," Sirius says leaning against the dressing table. 

"I was just thinking about when we were young," James says dismissively.

"What about it?" Sirius probes.

"About how we'd never have believed that this is where we'd end up..." James says quietly. 

Sirius chuckles, "You're right about that, I never thought I'd get this lucky."

"Right..." James says distractedly.

"That's not what you meant is it Jamie?" Sirius asks quietly. "Come on, you can tell me, I'm your best mate after all."

"I meant where we ended up," James mutters.

"You're going to have to be clearer than that James, I'm gay not a woman," Sirius rebukes lightly. 

"I don't know what I mean really..." James tries.

"Yes you do. You don't want to tell me," Sirius says calmly.

"Well... You see... Not often but every once in a while... I've wondered what would've happened if... wehadntdecidedtojustbefriends," James says quickly.

After a second used to sort that string of words out Sirius smiles softly, "Nothing."

"What?" James asks surprised.

"Nothing would ever have happened James. I know what I let you think when I came out to you, but by then I'd known for a long while who the one for me was, besides you said it yourself, you're straight Jamie, so stop with the what ifs okay?" Sirius says smiling softly. Noting the slightly hurt look on James' face Sirius becomes concerned, "What is it James?"

"I just always thought we were a bit more than friends..." James murmurs softly, unable to admit it in a louder voice.

"We always will be James, but it's not like that. I've only ever _loved_ one man in my life and he and I are happy together so if that's what you mean I'm sorry, and you really should discuss this with Red," Sirius says this softly, clearly trying to be gentle.

"No, I love Lily with all my heart, it's just that..."James says quietly.

"Look James, whatever this is about you can either say it or keep it to yourself but either way get a move on. Much more of this and you're going to be late for your own wedding," Sirius says evenly.

James says reluctantly and fixes his eyes on the ground, "I guess it comes down to... I always knew who you were after Sirius and I never understood... Why _not_ me?"

Despite himself Sirius laughs, "That's what 'one hundred and one awkward moments with James' has been about all there years? James there's both no answer and a thousands answers to that. We're brothers, buddies, you're not my type. I'm not so much homosexual as Remus-sexual. Soul mates don't have eyes for anyone else. You're far too vain for me. Pick which amuses you Jamie and get downstairs to your blushing bride already."

James gives him a bright winning grin and for half a second they both pretend it's real and then he sighs, "That's no answer you know."

"It's the only answer I could ever give Jamie. I know it sounds stupid and love sick and girlie but I've never so much as looked at anyone aside from Remus and I'm happy with that being the case," Sirius offers him a sad smile and a light hug, "Go get married Jamie, I mean it."

James turns to the door without a word and Sirius follows. As James makes his way to his place in front of the priest Sirius gives Remus a quick kiss to wash the questioning look off his face and they take their places beside him. 

James stands, caught between anticipation and regret until Lily appears. And as she smiles at him he thinks perhaps he understands his friends response. Because for all his half formed regrets and his wondering when Lily smiles like that he knows he's right where he belongs.


End file.
